The one thing that has seemed to finally click after having my third child is the need to take time for myself. Recently, we were packing up our old home to move and I was going through boxes of things that I hadn't seen or thought of in years. I found a notebook that was given to me at my baby shower for my first child. Inside was this note:
At the time I received this, it went in one ear and out the other. I was 21 years old and having my first child. I KNEW EV.ERY.THING.
What I've learned to be true over the last 9 years:
- Yes, I've gotten lots of advice from lots of people. I've gotten advice when I asked for it. I've gotten advice when I've not asked for it. I've cried because I followed advice and things still weren't working. I've cried because I followed advice and our lives changed. I've smiled and nodded, I've argued vehemently. 21 year old me resented everyone telling me what to do. 31 year old me tries to understand that people are well-meaning and do have the best of intentions. even when what they say it completely wrong or pisses me off.
- Trust your own instincts. She was absolutely right. Most of my gut reactions have been exactly what I needed to do, and what I've done. Doctors and specialists and family and friends all have their own information and agendas, but mama usually knows best. When my concerns about my son's tonsils were dismissed by a doctor, I knew that didn't mean nothing was wrong. It just meant time to find a doctor who would listen to me (and they did. And then they wondered why it took me so long to seek them out!). When family told me that breastfeeding past a year was not important and more for me than my child, I ignored them and continued what I was doing. I've never heard a mama say she regrets letting her child decide when to wean, nor have I met a kid in college who was still hanging off mama's teat (metaphorically, maybe. Literally, never).
- It's harder to make time for yourself when you only have one child than it is when you have three. We've always practiced attachment parenting. That mentally and emotionally taxing form of parenting that puts my child's needs parallel to mine. And there is nothing wrong with that. However, just because you do for your child and wear them and breastfeed them and keep them close, it doesn't mean you should stop doing for yourself. For me it means I actually need to do more for me. I've been a control freak my whole life, and unfortunately that has extended to my relationships with partners and my children. I refused help with my first two kids, even from dad. They couldn't do things the way that I could, so why let them even bother? Well, because they want that opportunity as well and because sometimes mom needs a break! After the birth of my third child, I realized that needing time for me doesn't mean I'm selfish: It only means I'm human. Some days I lock myself in the bedroom as soon as my husband gets home from work. I work out or I read or I take a luxuriously long shower all by myself. And I don't feel a single bit of remorse or guilt in doing so. Not only is being a stay at home mom harder than any other job that I've ever had, the pay is shit. I've learned to buy myself that outfit I want, go to dinner with friends while the husband is at home with the kids, and most importantly, not feel guilty for pooping by myself while my baby screams at me from a safe, restrained place.
- Offers for free babysitting are few and far between. NEVER TURN THEM DOWN!! It's so much easier to get friends and family to hang out with your only child than it is to hang out with all three. If you find someone who offers to do it out of the kindness of their heart and for the love of your children, let them! I was so afraid to ask for help when my first two were little. I have no local family and often felt overwhelmed, stressed, and without a chance to have a break. Now when someone offers to watch the kids so I can have a bit of alone time or time with my husband, I'm usually handing them over before they have a chance to change their mind.
It took almost 10 years after this note was written to me to fully understand and see this as good advice. Oddly enough the person who wrote it never once offered to watch our child (...her grandchild), but that's another story.
tl;dr
It's okay to have kids and have your own life. It's okay to not spend every waking and breathing moment with them. In fact, you may find that you like yourself as a person and parent more when you let yourself have a break.
No comments:
Post a Comment